Sunday evening I checked out a blog that I’ve read many times during our adoption journey and I know that I’d previously read about her rocking her daughter. As I was reading about the rockin’ mama challenge and some of the other related posts, I had an emotional response and immediately began thinking of Mastewal. I was crying and upset with myself. I wondered if I could do this challenge. Rock my daughter for 15 minutes a day for 28 days. It was something that I knew I had to do.
It’s hard to expose yourself and write/blog about the hard stuff. I’ve benefited from reading about other people’s “hard stuff” and I’m taking a step here. This challenge is in fact that: A Challenge. I have a difficult time with Mastewal. Many times I’ve described her as “being just like me” and that is the truth. She is an all around a good girl except at home. I know this can be said about many children, but we have a different dynamic here. We go head to head on a regular basis, and although I’d never admit to her, “she wins” on occasion. She can push every button. I’ve felt that if I don’t give in to her every up & down it’s miserable. So when she’s up and down, I’m up & down. I feel like the only time that she is engaged with me is when I’m buying her something or doing something for her. I honestly give up, because most of the time when I try to do something one on one with her she is disruptive in some way to put it to an end. She pushes me away, but then is so hurt and attention seeking whenever the boys get a glimpse of attention from me. She is hurt. I am hurt. She has a broken heart and so do I. It is a cycle that I’ve wanted to break, but settled with just letting it go and going along with whatever comes.
That changed on Sunday. I decided to do this challenge. She will have 15 minutes of rocking. She needs it. I need it. 15 minutes of just me and her.